{"id":50076,"date":"2019-10-09T11:11:48","date_gmt":"2019-10-09T15:11:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ottawahospital.on.ca\/?p=50076"},"modified":"2021-05-18T16:18:23","modified_gmt":"2021-05-18T20:18:23","slug":"how-to-cope-with-grief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ottawahospital.on.ca\/en\/healthy-tomorrows\/how-to-cope-with-grief\/","title":{"rendered":"How to cope with grief"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The grief process is like a pendulum. Sometimes we swing toward feelings of anger, sadness and anxiety. Sometimes we swing away from those feelings toward numbness or denial. Eventually, the back-and-forth of the grief experience allows us to process our feelings and thoughts about the loss.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A job loss, a divorce, the death of a loved one, a life-changing\ndiagnosis \u2013 we all experience loss in our lives, and grief is a normal response\nto that loss. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What is grief?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Grief is a natural process that can take from a few days to\nmany years to move through. Some aspects of the loss might never go away. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

While there are many different ways to explain the process of grief, most models describe grief like pendulum. At times, we swing towards our feelings of anger, sadness and anxiety that comes with our loss. At other times, we swing away from our feelings of grief and feel numb or detached from our feelings and our environment. At times, we may even feel as though the loss isn\u2019t real. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

All expressions of grief are important. We need to feel our\nfeelings, but we also need some recovery time from the intensity of our feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With time, the back-and-forth of the grief experience allows\nus to process our feelings and thoughts about the loss. With time, we try to\ncreate a new understanding of life that incorporates both the loss and the new\nexperience of life moving forward. This allows us to create new connections in our\nfuture, while still honouring the past. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Objective vs. symbolic loss<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\"grief
After moving through the initial shock of a loss, you may change how you see yourself and your beliefs, and review your values. You may ask yourself: \u2018Who am I now?\u2019 \u2018Is this what I want to do?\u2019 \u2018How do I want to spend my time?\u2019 <\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

An \u2018objective\u2019 loss is any tangible loss, such as the death of a loved one. A \u2018symbolic\u2019 loss is a less tangible loss. It can be a loss of an ideal, such as ending a relationship that wasn\u2019t working out, moving to a new city, or changing jobs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We can feel grief for both kinds of losses. It is common to\ngrieve both for what we have actually lost and for the hopes and dreams we had\nbefore the loss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An objective loss can also trigger symbolic losses. For\nexample, the death of a spouse (objective loss) can trigger the loss of your\nrole as a partner (symbolic loss).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why do we grieve?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When we grieve, we try to make sense of a loss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we experience a loss, the loss may challenge the\nexpectations or beliefs we held about the world before we felt the loss. For\nexample, we may start questioning if we still believe that good things happen\nto good people, whether we can trust others or whether the world is a safe\nplace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The goal of grief is to re-adjust to our new environment\nwith this loss, and to try to make sense of our beliefs in the new environment.\nWith time, grief can help us to shift or re-establish our sense of purpose in\nthe world, and we move forward with both old and new relationships. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What are the signs of grief?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Everyone experiences grief differently. Here are some common\nsigns of grief:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Emotional signs of grief <\/strong><\/td> Physical signs of grief <\/strong>  <\/td><\/tr>
\n Sadness\n <\/td>\n Weight loss\n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Depression\n <\/td>\n Insomnia\n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Loneliness\n <\/td>\n Fatigue\n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Hopelessness\n <\/td>\n A \u201clump\u201d in your\n throat\n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Anxiety\n <\/td>\n Chest tightness \n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Anger\n <\/td>\n Hollowness in the\n stomach\n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Guilt\n <\/td>\n A feeling of being\n physically separated from your environment \n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Self-blame or blame\n for others\n <\/td> Physical symptoms that can\u2019t be explained <\/td><\/tr>
\n Yearning for the\n return of what we have lost\n <\/td> More frequent illnesses <\/td><\/tr>
\n Relief from the loss\n \n <\/td>\n  \n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Relief from the loss\n with guilt\n <\/td>\n  \n <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Behavioural and social signs of grief <\/strong>  <\/td> Thought-centred signs of grief <\/strong>  <\/td><\/tr>
\n Difficulty\n performing other roles (e.g. work) \n <\/td>\n Denial\n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Isolation from\n others\n <\/td>\n Confusion\n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Sleep difficulties\n <\/td>\n Preoccupation with\n the loss\n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Change in appetite\n <\/td>\n Hearing the voice or\n seeing their face of a loved one\n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Avoidance of things,\n people or places that remind us of the loss \n <\/td>\n Lowered self-esteem\n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Frequent sighing \n <\/td>\n  \n <\/td><\/tr>
\n Restlessness\n <\/td>\n  \n <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Remember: The intensity of every sign can change, and last from days to years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How long does it take to grieve?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\"grief
Grief can create a wide variety of experiences \u2013 sadness, anger, denial, numbness and everything in between. If you feel intense grief symptoms for a long time, talk to your health-care team.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

There is no set timeline for grief. Similar to a physical\ninjury, grief is an emotional injury that needs time to heal. We may feel grief\nfor a few days to many years. Some aspects of our grief can stay with us for\nour lifetime. There may always be moments when we continue to miss what we have\nlost. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For some people, keeping busy helps. For others, working,\ntaking care of other family members or having other responsibilities delays our\nown grief process. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Expressing grief around others<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Well-meaning people may say things like, \u2018pull yourself\ntogether!\u2019 or \u2018you are strong; you look good!\u2019 They may not understand grief,\nor perhaps they feel uncomfortable with grief and don\u2019t know what else to say. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reactions of others may influence for how long we show our\ngrief to them. Many people may not show grief on the outside, but they may very\nwell still feel it on the inside. Try to give yourself permission to take the\ntime you need and to express your grief to a safe and compassionate person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How can I work through grief?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Grieving is an active process. It takes effort and time. Here\nare four grief \u2018tasks\u2019 that can help give you a framework to work with your\ngrief. The tasks can be done in any order, and people who are grieving can switch\nback and forth between them in a way that makes the most sense to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n